I AM . . .

. . . trying to self motivate. I've been letting myself go and keep letting myself find the path with the least resistance. When I do hunker down and fight it out, it's over the wrong things or fighting with retards. I can't keep doing that much anymore, mainly for my own sanity. I'm finding that getting by isn't going to cut it so to say. I need to get some direction back into my life and stop just coasting. Well maybe coasting isn't quite the right word here. But I've had a hard time looking at the future so to say. Actually it's been years since I've been able to look at my life and see where I think I'll be 2-3 years down the road. When I first moved to Portland I could think this way. It was easy actually. I wanted to give up and get away from old job and work and position myself to move on to the next stage of my life. I knew for instance I'd be spending the next 2-3 years learning. No daunting task. I wanted to learn, I wanted to move forward since felt my life wasn't moving forward. School was means of moving forward after all and looking forward was easy. I wasn't sure about afterwards, but I was OK with that. But after working and getting bogged down in school it was hard to think that way. Work really became hardship when you work 50-60 hour week and try to keep up with school work. It lightened when I switched jobs, but the job which should have been perfect had no real direction. Many of the folks I was in school with were actually jelious, but I could tell quickly that it was directionless. My boss was kind of cluesless about what wanted from the position and I couldn't see that I wanted to move up the ladder either. Too much politicking too. I was actually happy to leave and finish up school. But fter school it became worse. Finding local work was difficult to say the least and I ended up going with my back up plan. I super happy with that decision actually. It helped me get out of psychological hole I was in at the time. I needed space, distance and change. I got them, but I've found another hole that I've been happy to hide in for much of the last year. I'm thankful for the job, but I know it's time to leave this hole and head back or really forward with my life again.